For Immediate Release

Blueridge Bears form New Union
April 1, 2025

In a surprising development, bears living in and around Blueridge have voted overwhelmingly to form a union. Our local black bears aren’t generally known for supportive, communal behaviour. In fact, they tend to be loners, but in this case they came together in pursuit of common goals. The vote was nearly unanimous. There were no votes against unionization and only one abstention by a grumpy bear named Mor’du that no one likes anyway.

The new organization, called BEAR (Bears for Easy Access to Rubbish), held a press conference on Saturday where they claimed negotiating power with the DNV, granted by their ursine membership. While a full list of demands is still under development, a few key items have emerged.

“BEAR demands an end to bear-resistant garbage cans, as they are clearly discriminatory. In addition, we want all household garbage, recycling, and green waste stored outside, year-round. Finally, dogs must be outlawed. No one likes dogs,” said union spokesbear, Fozzie.

Whether other bears in the District will also unionize isn’t yet clear. When asked about the prospect, Fozzie replied, “We’re spreading the word. Our interests definitely align, and who isn’t in favour of easy meals? Wakka wakka!”

North Shore Black Bear Society response from Executive Director H Reisner:

“Well, I have to say this has pretty much caught us off-guard. This just doesn’t seem to jive with the usual opinions of our good old Blueridge Bears. In fact, B.O.B. (Big ol’ Bear) has already shown us that he’s happy to be up grazing on grass this spring. Delicious! Nutritious! And readily available without having to worry about pesky carabiner locks! Soon enough the salmon berries will be out, then huckleberries, red alder berries, and on it goes all the way to fall when blackberries and salmon will be available just for the munching.”

Reisner continued: “As to the union, we aren’t against it per se, but it’s not natural. We would expect this more from a species like crows or raccoons. Which makes us wonder. Is it really the bears behind this more trash, anti-dog rhetoric? And who is this Fozzie? We’ve never met him. And that photo – it just doesn’t quite look real. Has anyone checked the local costume rental shop to see if the bear outfit is out? I think about five raccoons could fit in there.”

As of press time, DNV staff have yet to respond to these developments.